How to deal with toxic parents as an adult

I’m going to start this blog with the story. I have a friend who returned from traveling about two years ago, and now she has to live with her parents for a while.

I think she’s got some issues she hasn’t dealt with because she has stayed away from her parents for so long. She did a master's degree in America, and she’s from Taiwan. So the profoundly ingrained issues she dealt with a long time ago haven’t been dealt with properly. And I think that that issue has metamorphosized into something toxic.

I haven’t lived with my parents for a long time, so I’m just going to talk to you guys about my view of the situation as a third party with a psychology degree and how I think that my friend should deal with the situation. I’m not a professional, but if I offer my two cents, hopefully, it’ll bring some insight into what you can do too.

Toxic Parenting in General

We all know that parenting is a tremendous job. You have to take care of another human being. You have your hopes and dreams, hopefully aligning with your baby so that the child can take on the universe and you can raise them well.

Along the way, there are going to be some difficulties. For example, maybe your kids don’t listen to you. Or perhaps you want your kids to be doctors, but they don’t want to be doctors. Maybe your kids are great, but you have some issues within yourself, and no matter what they do, they can’t do anything right by you. 

The point is that if you are the child of these parents, you have to deal with the toxicity of these parents. And how do you go about doing that? I mean, we’re only human.

As a parent, you need to have some insight into your behavior. However, many of us don’t necessarily do that type of introspection. And I mean there are cultural factors, generation gap factors. There are so many different factors of why adults talk to their children a certain way. Maybe it’s because they don’t get the attention they used to get.

Some parents are used to being listened to their whole lives, and then for some reason or another, their children stop listening to them, and I guess it can be traumatizing to them and their ego.

How to Deal with Toxic Parents as an Adult

Have you ever heard that when you’re pointing your finger at somebody, you are also pointing three back at your fingers back at yourself? That’s kind of how it is sometimes. Your parents will say all these bad things about you, like where did I go wrong? Or why did you turn it off this way? Or why is it that you are such a selfish brat? And I know these questions have to do with you. Maybe you are a selfish brat, but the point is that your parents are getting upset, and they are saying this to you. Maybe there is some truth to that. You have to be able to face that. And I’m not saying that you should go around and blame yourself and get depressed. What I’m saying is that you should try to see things from their point of you, but don’t take what they say personally

We’ve always been in furious conversations and say stuff like you always do that. Or you might say something like you’ll never change to the person you’re arguing with. How do we deal with this toxic behavior? Do we give up, leave the house, and never return? Maybe it’s not that easy. Or perhaps you want to work at it. Either way, it’s a cry for help, and it’s an opportunity for you to communicate with your parents about your relationship

Tips for Coping with Toxic Parents

People say you need to set boundaries with others. The problem is that a lot of people don’t understand limits. And if you suddenly direct some limitations around you, I’m talking about emotional and mental boundaries, and then people probably won’t respect them. The person needs to respect you to respect your boundaries. 

As a child of a toxic parent, it’s probably tough for your angry parents to respect your boundaries. I mean, why would they? They raised you; they wiped your butt when you were two years old. Because you’re 32 or 35, they will suddenly respect you. I think that’s highly unlikely.

Sometimes you have to face that no matter how smart you are or how many accomplishments you’ve had, they might not be enough for somebody. Maybe they’re just unsatisfied with themselves and how their lives turned out. I mean, you’re 30 years old. So why does your mom have to do your laundry? Doesn’t she deserve some break or something? I know that the word deserves is a loaded word. What I mean by that is that it’s suggesting that things might be an obligation. And nobody likes to be obligated to do things for people, but at the same time, we feel the compulsion to do things based on duty.

Try to see things from your parent's perspective. Try to unravel where these things are coming from without directly blaming them for their behavior. Nobody likes that. You could always see what you can do to help them as well. I mean, you can listen to what they’re saying with a grain of salt and realize that if you get involved in their emotional tirade, then you’re never going to solve anything. You need to mentally and emotionally back away from the conversation and then try to listen to what they’re saying, which is the most critical advice. And try to get them to calm down while they’re doing it.

Sometimes people need to be apart to remember what they appreciate about the other party.

Conclusions

Dealing with toxic parents as an adult can be an extremely tiring endeavor. At the same time, you might say that you owe your parents something because they did raise you. Maybe you don’t owe anybody anything; perhaps you should leave the situation. Either way, I would say your problem is being solved if you do that. 

Things change, and they don’t necessarily get better. Sometimes over time, it’s not your fault, and there are negative situations that you need to encounter. You might not necessarily be able to fix them, either. Maybe you were the source of the problem. Perhaps you’re not. Communication is the key to any relationship. Calm down, relax, and listen. Adjust to your situation, and don’t do the same things again next time. Take a long trip, then come back. Only talk to your toxic parents when they need you for something. That’s my simple advice for now